Friends in All the Boats.

BY MELISSA GILLESPIE

Melissa Gillespie is a high school counselor with a background in bereavement, Harry Potter marathons, and tutu dance parties, with an affinity for all things pizza and Disneyland. She lives in Los Angeles, CA with her husband and can be found online at gillespiemelissa.com or on Twitter @themelgillespie.

“Oh, did I tell you that so-and-so is pregnant?” my husband asks as an aside to fill time during the commercial break of Monday Night Football. “No,” I answer, followed by the list of questions I’m supposed to ask (that he typically knows some of the answers to) including when the baby is due, if they know the gender, if the mom is doing ok, if they’ve chosen a name. 

As women, we often define ourselves by seasons. And I don’t mean the sweater-wearing, PSL-drinking, football-watching of fall, or the sandals, sunscreen, and sundresses of spring. I’m talking about the seasons appointed to us: wedding season, baby season, second baby season, pre-all of these seasons . . . you know the drill. The time of our lives most consistently associated with friends checking off specific boxes on their life to-do list. 

I’ve officially entered the second baby season without any babies. I never stepped foot into first-baby-land or bought onesies to fill drawers. I never decorated a room with a crib or rubbed my belly filled with anything other than too much pizza, all while four people I know will be having their second baby within the course of the next six months. While I am incredibly excited for these amazing humans to create more amazing humans, I can’t help but feel left behind. Like I’m missing out on something or have somehow lost deeper connection with these friends by not keeping up. 

In the age of social media, I’m reminded every time I log in to all the things I do not yet have. I don’t have a baby with my eyes and his coloring. I don’t have a house with a bright yellow painted door. I have a job I love, but those other jobs seem like they provide more money/freedom/opportunity to travel. My filter doesn’t quite send out be jealous of me vibes, even though that’s never been my goal in the first place. 

I think of my friends who are still figuring themselves out and wonder if they feel the same way. The ones who get to explore their hobbies and travel at a moment’s notice. If they want a cat, they get the dang cat, all while bumping some Lizzo, dancing around their living rooms, and keeping their eyes open for a special someone to spend time with. 

There’s a secret about seasons that no one talks about: they’re not actually real. These timelines are not guidelines you have to ascribe to. We’re all unique humans with our own sense of what is right, so who are we to judge someone who defines their own path? Who are we to hold someone to checking boxes for partners or babies they may not even want? 

That being said, surviving the seasonal wave can take some work, especially when you have been invited to seven weddings in one summer (check), have to buy “First Holiday” presents for six babies in one year (check), or have to ask all the appropriate questions on the couch while watching football (check check).

Here are some tips to make it through and to support your friends through their journeys: 

• Being invited to all the weddings/showers/gender reveals/housewarmings/etc. does not mean you have to go to them all. You can decide where you want to spend your time and money. There are so many ways to show love and support, so find what works best for you and your friendship. 

• If you’re “ahead” of your friends, invite them along to be a part of your journey. Are you the first to have a baby? Invite friends over for girl’s night so that you can spend time together without having to find a babysitter. Or, find a babysitter and go out to literally anywhere that’s not your house. 

• If you’re “behind” your friends, share the fun stories and let us play that swipey game on your phone every once and awhile. Ask your friends if they need help with something. And don’t apologize for choosing to make time for yourself. 

Right now, you’re exactly where you should be. So just love on your humans and continue to show up as you each go in and out of different stages of the journey. If nothing else, being a good friend is a to-do list item we can all agree to check off. 

“Spreading kindness is a process, especially because kindness involves the expression of care, not just being polite.”

Spreading kindness is a process, especially because kindness involves the expression of care, not just being polite. And while we would all love to be Maria from Sound of Music, meeting all we meet with patience and understanding, it’s not always as easy as singing “Do-Re-Me” and making curtains out of drapery.

That being said, there are a few steps that could be considered a Kindness Starter Kit:

1. Smile. Have you noticed that when someone smiles at you, it’s hard not to smile back? That is because of mirror neurons, part of your brain that simulates emotions that you see in others. You smile, they smile, you smile again. We’re all happier.

2. See something, say something. If you see a skill, strength, or talent in someone else, recognize them. Show them that you notice. This can also be something a little more on the surface, like it you love their handwriting or their shoes or their smile. Let them know.

3. Just like More Love Letters encourages, send a love letter to someone. Thank them for something they did. Recognize something you noticed. Tell them you’re grateful that they are in your life.

4. Be kind to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell your reflection something you love about yourself. It’s great practice for being to kind to others and it lets you hear good things too.

5. Do the little things. Take a meal to a friend who is sick or someone who just had a baby. Send your mom flowers for no reason. Share a book with a friend who you think might love it. Stop on the way home from work and pick up your husband’s favorite ice cream as a post-dinner surprise. Buy coffee for the person behind you in line. Sometimes actions speak louder than words and it could start a chain of paying it forward.

Kindness is really just showing that you care about someone else’s well-being, whether you know that person well or not. Bring the sunshine with you to interactions with other people. Bring them joy and make them feel seen. And on days when it’s hard, when you feel torn down yourself, know that kindness is not a one-and-done. It’s a daily practice, and you can keep working on it tomorrow. You got this.